If you’re going on a hayride in the woods, you have to watch out for the honey “bayers” and “piders.” If a honey bayer comes after you, hiding is your best bet, says our young adviser. The “piders” are mostly friendly, from what we’ve gathered.

Raspberry is quite a pony. (Copper is long gone from our memory now. Poor guy.) For five bucks, you get to spend 30 minutes walking her around a corral. But, given the chance, we’re naming our (hypothetical) pony “Strawberry.”

Did you know that with “Tober” comes baby? So where’s that baby, Mom? I wanna see her! (I’ve been trying to change my tactic to “we’ll trick or treat after baby” but fear reprisals there too…)

If you’re going to be a big sister, you need a purple room. After all, Daddy and Poppa see no objection to a big sister having a purple room. So, avoid Mommy altogether on the topic of decoration and address the brawn behind the scenes. Get them talked into it just as Mommy’s walking in the room. Then take them shopping. Amazing things will happen. (Like Mommy having some strange pains in her abdomen…)

Trick-or-treat, as it turns out, is a big party. You get to dress up as…a princess! After shopping through the crafty and highly creative costumes in Aunt A’s closet of costumes, Snow White stands out as the best. That’s because you are picking out your own costume, not letting your Mommy influence you at all.

Play-doh makes a great birthday cake. And speaking of birthdays, you’re going to have one, every chance you get. Well, if not a birthday, then a birthday party. It’s a great pretend game.

Having a princess dance party is great fun and will buy Mommy no less than an hour at the computer. It involves taking the cushions off of all the furniture, putting blankets down on the remaining sections of floor, and then jumping around (but not on the furniture, because the fun’s likely to end right away).

School is cool. And you’re going to be riding a bus. Doesn’t matter what Mommy might think in her head about homeschooling or anything. So walk around with a backpack (bought because you found out the other cousins were getting them from Nanny, and you were having none of the being-left-out-of-it-just-for-not-attending-school business), and be sure to fill it with interesting things you’ll need for school, like plastic food, dishes, Play-doh, doll clothes, and maybe a book or two.

Crickets like to be called “little fella” and are not, under any circumstances, to be stepped on. The offender who steps on them (perhaps a fellow little girl who dislikes bugs, for example) shall hereby be sentenced to shrill screeching and pointing humiliation as you mourn the death of the “little fella.”