This morning, I’m trying not to wallow in too much disappointment. You know why. That special intention, the one that we were praying so hard for, the one that has been in our hearts and prayers for months – well, it looks like Your answer was “no.” And I’m disappointed. I’m sad. I’m moping a bit and struggling not to whine.
I want to ask “why not?” I want to stomp around and throw something. I want to curl up and cry. I want to, well, wallow.
But this morning, after a night of some steeping in this disappointment, I thought about Your mother, and how she must have been disappointed when Jesus left for His ministry. I thought about how it must have torn her heart to see Him hanging on the cross. I thought about the disappointment she must have faced in her life, and the trust she always had in Your will.
That’s what this is about, isn’t it? It’s not about what I think is best, or about what I want, or about what I feel should happen. It’s not even about how much better my life would be if you had said “yes.” It’s not about the pain of distance or the tears of disappointment.
I’ve been working on this for quite some time, accepting Your will, letting You drive, smiling and saying “thanks” for things I don’t necessarily want. At first, it seems like a lesson in politeness. Now, it seems like a lesson in disappointment.
But disappointment might not be so bad. It’s hard to say “thanks” right now, when it looks like you were saying “NO” to what we were asking, but what if…
What if “no” keeps them safe? What if their work there isn’t done yet? What if you will bring them home at a later time? What if what You’re planning is far better than what we were asking for in the first place?
Oh, God, we miss them so very much. And yet, we trust You to love them more than we do. Those children – they were never ours in the first place. The same is true for sisters and brothers and nieces, isn’t it? They’re all Yours. Hold them. Hug them from us.