Young Mom blogs about life with three children aged three and under at Musings of a Young Mom. She is the wife of a Protestant Minister, but is interested in the Catholic Church. She uses her blog to write about her religious journey as well. Today she shares about her battles with sleep…and asks for your input.
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With the birth of my second child, life changed forever. Ms. Drama never slept. From the day of her birth, that child screamed. Before my milk came in (those were a LONG two days!) she was so upset that despite everything I did, she screamed herself hoarse. I remember the nurse was surprised by how strange her cry sounded, she had never heard a hoarse newborn before. The only place she would not cry, was skin to skin, and once I discovered this, Ms. Drama spent the first few days of her life stripped down to her diaper inside my shirt.
She refused to nap for more than 10 minutes during the day. At night she slept on my chest for 20 minute intervals in-between nursings. She was the baby who woke up at the slightest noise. The moment you lowered her limp sleeping body into bed she was wide awake again. I remember being so desperate for her to sleep, I would lay perfectly still while she nursed herself to sleep and then (rather than risk moving her) tried to relax enough to let my exhausted body fall asleep in that awkward twisted position.
When even the slightest movement in our bed started to wake her up, we moved her to the crib at around nine months old. She woke up 6-10 times a night for two months, wanting to nurse. I used to fall asleep on the couch sitting upright while she nursed. I remember going through the 15 minute process of sneaking her back into her bed and crawling into my own with a sigh of relief only to have her wake up 10 minutes later screaming. I would be dragged from the edge of deep sleep by the shot of mommy adrenaline and stagger my way to her crib, crying tears of exhaustion.
By the time Ms. Drama began sleeping and napping regularly, I had a new baby nursing at night. My oldest child had decided that she no longer needed naps, so any hope of getting back my much needed daytime nap was gone.
For a long time I bought the line, “it’s just a normal part of this stage of motherhood”, and figured that eventually I wouldn’t be as tired anymore. But now I realize this was more than your average tired. I didn’t even recognize it, because it had become a habit. A bad one.
In my efforts to deal with the “normal” challenges of motherhood, I had tried to do it all. I wanted to make sure my husband got enough sleep in the mornings, I wanted to keep up with my children and my house, and I wanted to stay up to be with my hubby in the evening. I wanted to be a good wife and mother. I was sabotaging myself. If I think about it now, I have been getting an average of five or less hours of patchy intterupted sleep a night for two years. No wonder my eyes would close in mid-conversation despite my best efforts to stay awake. No wonder my speech would slur from exhaustion as I struggled to read books to my kids. My lack of energy wasn’t going to be solved by any amount of supplements or organization. I needed sleep.
Its awfully hard for me to ask for help, for some reason it’s even hard for me to accept help. It’s like I am admitting failure, and that is not something I want to do! But when my husband figured out on his own just how little sleep I was getting and accused me of being a “sleep anorexic,” that was when I knew I had been wrong. I couldn’t do it all.
Now, with my wonderful husband’s help I am trying again. We have a new bedtime of 10 PM, so even if the baby has a hard time settling down, I get to sleep before midnight. The earlier bedtime allows my hubby to get the sleep he needs, and since he is not getting up with the baby at night, he has been getting up at the crack of dawn when the girls wake up. It’s only been a week, and I already feel more human.
What is your approach to rest? What are some of your ideas for getting the sleep you need?
Wow – having a newborn, 23 month old, and 6 year old in the house currently, this jumped out on my google reader! I’m all about sleep.
How I try to get more rest is using a co-sleeper attached to our bed (though our current and previous babies have ended up in bed with us too, like Young Mom says). I’m also a STICKLER for “quiet time”. I insist on naps for the kids, or quiet play in the older one’s room. Establishing it meant some crying or fussiness (by the older one and now the toddler – the baby I just nurse and cuddle and hope for sleep – and usually he does nap with me!!). But I just was gentle but firm about everyone resting around 1pm for how ever long I could get. It’s been a sanity and Spirit saver for me. Plus everyone gets the afternoon rest they need at a young age (or my age).
I look forward to other ideas and suggestions. I’m right there in the loving and blessed trenches with you Young Mom!!
Blessings!
I’m with Violin Mama! Quiet time is a must for us. My 4 year old almost never naps, but she’s in her room, door closed, lights low, for 2 hours-ish each afternoon. She reads, colors, pretends, dresses up….she gets to play with tiny, intricate pieces I don’t allow the 2 year old to have…it’s a good time. Plus, in a quiet, calm room, she sometimes does actually fall asleep. But the most important thing, is that I get a rest midday. I may not nap, but I can sit quietly or start dinner or read or write. It’s SO important, and I’m guarding it closely 🙂
Other than that, I think your bedtime will be so helpful. I can’t ever seem to stick to it, but if I see that you’re doing it well, it’ll give me the courage to try, maybe 🙂 But I’d even aim for earlier. 9:30. 9. Shoot for the stars!
Like so many other thing, I’m right there with you! Although I absolutely refuse to let the kids sleep in our bed. They sleep in a cradle next to the bed for about the first two months before I kick them out into their own room (or wherever I can fit the pack-n-play) for the sake of whoever has to share rooms with the new baby.
My husband works second shift, which is awful! That means I am definitely the one that has to get up with then kids at the crack of dawn. It also means if I don’t stay up to see him when he gets home (at 11:30pm) I feel like I’m neglecting my marriage.
Luckily our oldest is just now giving up her naps at 3 1/2 so that has been a help, although that has been my main chunk of alone time with the hubby, so now I don’t know what we’ll do! By the time he gets home I’m either already passed out or too tired to give him any real attention. Poor guy.
With the new baby coming this October I guess we’ll be playing it by ear and hoping for the best!
Thanks, Young Mom, for your words. As is generally the case when I read your writing, I sighed a little breath of relief, “So it’s not just me!” No solutions here, though. My littlest is still waking up every two hours at night to nurse. It helps to know that you are finding a solution. Thanks! (And thanks, Sarah, for hosting!)
I feel for you all! My third baby slept well till I went back to work @ 4 months, then she started waking up 8 times a night on average. With two older girls (9 & 6) at school with homework, ballet concerts / musical evenings… I was a wreck.
Now you must understand, ‘sleep training’ was a swear word to me. The concept of leaving your baby to scream until they threw up or fell asleep (or both!) was not going to happen in my house. Then I met a mom whose baby was sleeping better than her 3 yr old because she’d done a far gentler version of sleep training. At that stage I was so desperate, I tried it AND IT WORKED!
Basic idea: Make sure baby is warm, fed & comfortable. Pop her in her cot, with lots of love and cuddles. Then you leave the room for 1 minute. (Yes – watch the clock) Go in, pick her up and cuddle for 20 seconds (count them in your head), put her down and leave the room for 2 minutes. Back for a cuddle / 3 mins etc etc. Each time you extend your out of the room time by one minute.
First night took 45 minutes and she slept through!!! Second night only took till 3 minutes (only woke once during the night) and she started falling asleep ALL BY HERSELF, NO DUMMY, NO BOTTLE! I couldn’t believe it. Within a week, she was falling asleep and staying asleep. What I love about this:
1. If your baby has a wind, there is lots of picking up opportunities to dislodge it.
2. Timing your ‘out the room’ intervals removes all the stress of ‘should I go? / should I wait?’ and it’s amazing how calm you remain.
3. Knowing that you can go in and comfort soon, makes it bearable.
If you don’t see good results within a few nights, your baby is still too little. Wait for 2 weeks then try again. You never know, it might just work for you. 🙂
I do want to recommend The Baby Whisperer, which I found extremely helpful. (You can order through Amazon.) A schedule/routine sort of thing helps me. I need structure. I didn’t realize how much until I had my first kid (and she was not a natural talent at the skill of sleeping…AT ALL).
I take it all with a grain of salt, and really, the key is to find what works best FOR YOUR FAMILY. For me, it involved starting with Babywise and then working to The Baby Whisperer, and then sort of coming up with my own sort of thing. I needed the wisdom of those books (or I would have failed to see how much I myself needed sleep).
And, Young Mom, you are in my very special prayers. Figuring out the balance and what works for you, especially with little kids and their demands, is anything but easy.
Thanks to everyone for the great comments and wisdom and support. Keep em coming! 🙂
I know it’s not for everyone, but Babywise (a book by Gary Ezzo) worked for me for both my children. I modified the approach a little, but my son slept through the night at 6 weeks and my daughter at about 3 months. I was the most well-rested mom in the neighborhood, if not the state. Interestingly, I was a light sleeper and a bit of an insomniac before I had children. Now I sleep a solid 8 hours (or more) a night and rarely wake up. Babywise was truly a blessing for me.
Thanks everyone! We are still feeling it all out by ear, one day at a time. But fighting actively for the sleep we need instead of thinking that it is normal somehow to be severely sleep deprived.
I’ve never been a cry it out mom, (although I did try something similar with my second child. Obviously it did not work for me, Ms Drama outlasted anything I ever tried, and I just couldn’t stomache it anymore) I have heard amazing things about “The no cry sleep solution”, my current baby is already sleeping very well, but I think I will have to look that book up for before my next baby. 🙂
Young Mom – I also used No Cry Sleep solution for night time and morning naps (makes a ton of sense in the morning/night) so, at least you know another reader has used it. It is good.
We also used Baby Wise with #1 (modified), but crying is stressful. I can bear with some (like for naptime establishment) but at night, it is hard. I love my c0-sleeper for that….
I have 2 girls under 2 and we used a method called Sleep Sense. You can google it. It worked wonders for us. Our 3 1/2 month old sleeps from 6pm-2am, then feeds for 10 min, then goes back down until about 6-630am. Our 20 month old sleeps from 630-630. Amazing. Sleep is so important for our well being as mothers! Good luck!
You are not alone. I had a very similar experience with my first born. Co-slept in my bed until a year. I would go to “bed” at 8 pm, nurse her to sleep on my side, when she was done and asleep I would just lay there in that horrible crunched up position until she would begin to cry again and I would nurse her. It was this way all through the night, I never got up to use the bathroom or roll on to my back. My body and mind were so sore that first year. We moved her to her own bed after a year but the pattern of continually waking up to nurse to go back to sleep did not change. I have three children under five, my latest just turned 5 months so I too have been on the sleep only for a few hours regimen for several years and though it is tiring, a time will come when they will sleep for longer periods. It will never be what it once was, my two year-old sleep walks and my five year old always has a reason to be up and come to our room but the constant exhaustion of a baby learning to sleep does get better. Hang in there and know you are not alone. Sleep deprivation can really get to you in every way of your daily life especially your health and ability to stay calm in instances you otherwise would. I recommend Dr. Jodi Mindell’s “Sleeping Through the Night,” though she does discuss “sleep training” there are modifications you can take and it serves as a good sleep resource book. Just pray for patience and grace. My prayers are with you and all moms of young children.
I think alot depends on the child too, My 1st and 3rd children are easy sleepers compared to my second! I’m actually kind of glad she wasn’t my first child, at least I knew that it could be better!!!
It TOTALLY depends on the child. I would have never believed that sleeping is a skill that comes naturally to some and not naturally AT ALL to others if not for my first daughter, who didn’t sleep through a whole week of nights until she was…3 or 4. (See, I’ve blocked it out already.)