Dear Jesus,

How blind can they be? I read the stories of the apostles listening to you talk about what it means to enter your kingdom. Entering it means a trial, beating, humiliation and death. But the apostles quit listening after they heard the word “kingdom” and the only response they have is to ask if you will save them special places in this kingdom. I get annoyed at how dense they are and how insensitive.

Where is their support of you? You’ve just told them how you are going to die and they ask if they can get a good spot in the kingdom. But you give the same message over and over: Be a slave, not a master. Be the servant of others. What will you gain if you own the world but destroy yourself? What could give you back your soul? If you want a place of honor, you must become a slave and serve others….

Oh, wait. You weren’t just talking to your apostles? I see once again that these words are also for me. I think I forgot to listen. I think I forgot to support you, my friend, as you turn to me for my love. I feel the increasing tension as you move closer to Jerusalem. I want to be there for you, but I’m not good around conflict, Jesus. I want to blend into the crowd and support you from afar.

Let me listen again. You are asking me to let go of the idea that I can somehow master complete control over my life. You invite me to trust you more and let you help me with my struggles. Every time I am willing to admit that I don’t have to do it alone, I move closer to embracing the limitations that bring me closer to you. Every time I accept the humility of my own imperfections, am I not gaining myself, instead of the world that rejects you?

I am at a crossroads in my life, dear friend, Jesus. I can’t continue my life the way it has been and that frightens me. I know I want to change but I struggle with this alone, until I remember that you will be with me in this. It means giving up control and trusting you. It means accepting that you are my Lord, and giving up the god of perfection and success I have followed for so long.

I come before you with my hands open, asking for help. In the quiet, I feel you with me even if my words are simple ones. Be with me, Lord. I have been so deaf to your message. Heal me. I have been so blind to all the things you have wanted to share with me. Heal me. Thank you for coming into my life in this powerful way.