At 19 weeks, I realize I should be a lot bigger than I am. I wasn’t with my daughter, but everyone says that things are different with subsequent pregnancies. And things are different this time around. For one thing, I’m not sick. I have headaches here and there, but none of the hanging nausea that enveloped all nine months of my first pregnancy. From what my midwife says, things are going normally, great, fabulous.
I have to trust her.
But really, I have to trust God. I have to leave Him there in the driver’s seat, even though I’ve been assailed, lately, with worries of a scary nature. I have to stand at the foot of the cross and thank God for putting me there. None of it’s in my control, and really, would I want it to be?
The image of Mary that has spoken to me for quite some time now is Our Lady of Guadalupe. When I first felt drawn to this image, I didn’t realize she was pregnant. There was just something about it that pulled me in. During my first pregnancy, I turned to Guadalupe a lot, and I asked her just to help me. Here’s someone who understands fears, trials, hurdles. Here’s a woman who has been there, done that.
So as people joke with me (and I know it’s just joking) about how small I am, I try to remind myself that I’m a pretty small person anyway. I normally eat like a bird (meaning three times my weight) and burn it off flying around. I should be huge even without being pregnant. It’s that metabolism I inherited from my mother (and my father too, I think). When I look for the belly, as I feel the tiny flutters and patterings that indicate a live person down there, and I have trouble finding it, I am sometimes tempted to cry (and, last week, in the shower, I did). I can’t help but ask myself, “What if something’s wrong? What if my baby is the one they’re going to write inspirational articles about? What if I’m the one who’s going to have to be strong and faithful and trusting?”
We’ve been praying for a healthy baby. Boy, girl – doesn’t matter. All we pray for in our family is healthy. The heartbeat is strong, movements are good, and the ultrasound next week will probably reveal a normal little person in exactly the right stage of development.
And if not…if not, then we’ll thank God for giving us a cross we’re strong enough to carry, and we’ll thank him for the love that will surround us and get us through it.
Easy to type here with a cheerful face. But I’m scared. I really am. I hear that’s normal in pregnancy. And I can’t help but think of the stories I’ve read lately, as I’ve been catching up on various blogs, about spiritual attacks. Maybe this is how my demons are getting me, planting ideas and nightmares in my hormone-induced mind.
So I turn, as I so often do, to the arms of my Mother, and I ask her to pray for me to her Son. I see her there, standing on the snake and full of life herself in the image of Guadalupe, and I know that I can do it, whatever “it” is, whatever is being asked.
{{{hugs}}}
Never, never did I know fear until I was was a mother.
I missed this post, Sarah, or I would have commented sooner because I know just what you’re feeling. I have been feeling this way off & on for the whole pregnancy. The interesting thing about the difference in the feelings of nausea is that you describe the difference between my pregnancy with my son (lots of nausea!!) and with my daughters (much milder). My pet theory on this is that when the pregnancy is dramatically different, you might be more likely to have the other gender!! As for feeling smaller–yeah, me too. And I’ve only gained 5 or 6 lbs. But babies have a way of hiding on us! I’ve also learned recently that a small baby can still be a healthy baby, too, as my friend had to be induced because her baby was not growing well, but he was born healthy, 4 lbs. 8 oz., didn’t need to be in an incubator, and was released only two days later–tiny, but healthy!! But I’m sure it’s your perception (and others’) playing tricks on you–so in a few weeks come over to my blog and remind me that I said this! 😉 Take care; I hope you’re feeling better by now, I know it’s been 5 weeks or so. I think my fears were pretty strong at or a little before 19 weeks. Best, L-C