Things My Husband Would Never Say (and possibly he doesn’t even think them)

“Why would Sarah do housework when there are unread books around?”

“Dinner? No, I didn’t expect dinner. I just thought I’d come home and find my wife and child curled up on the couch with {choose one: a book, a movie and laptop, a nap} and that dinner would just happen.”

“Is it really so hard to keep your gas tank full? Especially when we’re driving to the remote regions of the universe to go horseback riding and will need to take a 10-mile detour to refill the tank once the low fuel light comes on?”

“Does your brain work? I mean, is it on?”

“I know you’re pregnant. And I appreciate that. But do you have to stay up all night? And do you have to keep tossing and turning to get comfortable? Or might you find a different time than when I’m at my most comfortable and deepest sleep to make your middle-of-the-night potty run?”

“Do you think you could part with your laptop long enough to, say, do something useful around here?”

“Um, gee, honey, could that book part company with your nose long enough for {choose one or combination: dinner to be made, the floor to be swept, the toilet to be scrubbed}”

“This is my wife. She’s the reason I’m broke now.”

“I love you, honey, but could you please shut up during the football game?” (Or, alternately, “Honey, do you mind holding all conversation until commercial time?”)

“Are you nuts? I don’t want to do bedtime for the seventeenth time in a row just because classes haven’t started yet!”

What He Says Instead (in no particular order)

“Hmm. Sounds interesting.” (not a hint of sarcasm)

“Pizza’s fine.” (however many nights in a row)

Nothing but a sigh. (resigned?)

“House looks great.” (and I hate to think what he’s comparing it to, so I don’t)

“I love you.” (at least every single night before going to sleep)

“Baby’s almost done.” (meaning she’ll be born sometime soon)

“A date should be our top priority.” (despite the fact that house is not done, classes start in days, his to-do list rivals anything I could write up for a week, work is tough, harvest has started)

“Give Mommy a kiss and let’s go upstairs.” (with enthusiasm too!)